Stars

Aries

Venus is coming out of reverse, so if the average nun has been getting more action than you, things are about to change. Venus is in your house of LTRs, so something serious could be on its way whether you like it or not.

Passion Rating: ♥♥♥

Taurus

Mercury is going retrograde in Sagi, so get ready for some intense emotions. This week your temper will be so hot you could fry eggs on your moobs. The upsides is you’ll be feeling ultra passionate too.

Passion Rating: ♥♥♥♥

 

Gemini

Mars is in Pisces, which means you’ll be redefining the meaning of money grabbing whore. Your ambition is burning, but not for your career success. Instead you’ll be after someone to do all the hard work for you.

Passion Rating: ♥♥♥

Cancer

Lately Venus has been the cause of more shit than a dodgy microwaved kebab. Luckily it’s changing direction so it’s time to bury the hatchet over a tense situation. Just don’t bury it in their skull.

Passion Rating: ♥♥♥♥

Leo

Mercury is in its final retrograde of 2018, starting in Sagi and ending in Scorps. Nothing is certain this week, so don’t be surprised if exciting prospects evaporate and hotties ghost you faster than sodding Casper.

Passion Rating: ♥♥♥

Virgo

Mars is back in Pisces, so as far as your love life goes, Christmas has come early. So early, in fact, that you’ll be rubbing two mince pies on your nips and wearing a crown of mistletoe to tempt totty.

Passion Rating: ♥♥♥♥♥

Libra

No matter how hard you try this week, things will go totally tits up thanks to Venus’ change of direction. Yazz used to sing ‘The only way is up’. This week, as far as you’re concerned, she was talking tosh.

Passion Rating:

Scorpio

Mars will be speeding up any love in your life this week. In fact, things will be going so far you’ll end up heading to the pound shop to buy some pregnancy tests after picking out a veil.

Passion Rating: ♥♥♥♥

Sagittarius

Mercury is going retrograde before ending up in Scorpio. Although you’re gagging to get going in work or love, this week it’s best to look before you leap… especially if it’s between your festering sheets.

Passion Rating: ♥♥♥

Capricorn

Mars is leaving your Haus of Wonga, so you can stop worrying about money for once. Instead, Pisces is bringing you back to what counts: friends, cocktails, smooching, stitching and bitching.

Passion Rating: ♥♥♥

Aquarius

Mercury’s last retrograde of the year ends in Scorpio. This should mean your professional life is number one in your life. For such a spiritual soul, this seems unlikely, so start by just trying to turn up to work instead.

Passion Rating: ♥♥♥

Pisces

Venus is ploughing straight into Scorpio, so desire, jealously, possessiveness and irrational lust will be ruling your life. Basically, this week don’t expect to be much besides a grunting puddle of body fluids.

Passion Rating: ♥♥♥♥

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