Saturn is changing direction in your career zone. it means you shouldn’t make any drastic changes anytime soon. In other words, the world’s first nude pole-dancing and cookery YouTube channel can wait to fight another day. For now, at least.

Passion Rating: ♥♥♥


Your big mouth might be popular with the boyz, but Saturn in retrograde means it’ll get you in trouble in every other situation. You’ll struggle not to call almost everyone a minge faced munter. We fully embrace the term, but please remember that others may not.

Passion Rating: ♥♥♥♥



Saturn’s retrograde will make you so jealous and desperate you’ll make a bunny boiling Glenn Close look chill AF. If you fancy someone just ask them out. Hiding in their wardrobe all weekend is not the recipe for long-term love.

Passion Rating: ♥♥♥♥♥


Jupiter is opposite Mars, so despite being so emotional you’re likely to scream, ‘I’m a slag on heat and I need love’ in public, it should only last a short while. Just make sure you’re surrounded by cuties when you do it.

Passion Rating: ♥♥♥♥


You can schmooze your way into almost anything, including VIP areas and almost any gentleman’s pants. You’ll even probably schmooze your way into heaven too, despite being such a debauched sinner. The New Moon in Taurus will turn up your charm even more, so don’t waste the opportunity.

Passion Rating: ♥♥♥♥


Whilst Mars is making you cocky and confident, Jupiter will be putting the willies up you in the worst kind of way. But don’t let a little fear stop you from slaying. Feel the fear and F it anyway.

Passion Rating: ♥♥♥


The New Moon in Taurus will bring out your sensual side. Usually you’re too busy thinking about spring cleaning your kitchen cupboards and waxing your nips to get seductive, but that side of you is definitely about to slip into something more comfortable.

Passion Rating: ♥♥♥♥


Saturn is in retrograde so you could charm the tits off anyone – even Katie Price’s big uns – without so much as a blink of an eye. But try to go beyond just shallow shenanigans and make deeper connections.

Passion Rating: ♥♥♥


The New Moon in Taurus will be bringing you a new opportunity, possibly in the shape of a job offer, promotion or a dishy date. You’re a grasping little bitch at the best of times, so you should have no trouble grabbing all three chances and more. 

Passion Rating: ♥♥


The New Moon in Taurus will be hotting up your love life to a heat level somewhere around the fresh-out-of-the-microwave-I’ve-just-melted-my-mouth-together levels. In other words, any dry patches will soon become wet patches.

Passion Rating: ♥♥♥♥


Mars is facing off with Jupiter which means you might experience a bit of tension with someone this week. It turns out that you secretly have a mutual crush on each other. Will you flirt, fondle or fight? Just don’t do all three at once or you’ll be arrested.

Passion Rating: ♥♥♥♥


The New Moon in Taurus is shaking you out of your usual routine, so you can forget burping Rihanna songs whilst watching Netflix in the nude. So what will you do instead? Don’t ask us, we haven’t got dressed since 2018.

Passion Rating:

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