Stars

Aries

Thanks to the Sun in Aries, you can expect such a buzz this week that you’ll end up with hair frizzier than Monica from Friends when she goes on her hols. Just use it to do something other than massage your man boobs with frenzied passion.

Passion Rating: ♥♥♥

Taurus

There’s a superman in Libra, so you’re ready for spring to do its thing. Unless you want to look like a corpse washed up on the beach this summer, it’s time to wax your back and eat your first vegetable since August.

Passion Rating: ♥♥♥

 

Gemini

Mars in Taurus is joining Venus, so prepare for a cold, hard dose of honesty from your fella or a friend. That said, you can always put your fingers in your ears and say la-la-la while they say it, of course.

Passion Rating: ♥♥

Cancer

The Sun is Aries is pushing you to make big changes in your life. You might be a totally different man by summer. Or maybe you’ll just start changing your underwear more than once per week… we can always hope. 

Passion Rating: ♥♥♥♥

Leo

The Libra supermoon is poised to bring you new love, new friends and that sense of Leo confidence that’s been missing recently. Yes, you’ve still been slut dropping your tits off at the drop of a hat, but you’re about to truly enjoy it again.

Passion Rating: ♥♥♥♥♥

Virgo

Venus and Mars are squaring off, so you’ll be feeling a mixture of cautious, gobby and impulsive. Just don’t give anyone a mouthful… of abuse, that is. Oh and delay any big decisions until you’re sane again.

Passion Rating: ♥♥♥

Libra

The Sun is moving through Pisces, so you must fight for what you want. As much as you’d love one of the Hemsworths to ring your doorbell, propose, and give you ten million quid without you lifting a finger, it ain’t gonna happen.

Passion Rating: ♥♥

Scorpio

The supermoon in Libra is going to awaken your kind, compassionate and spiritual side. No, we didn’t know a filthy slag like you could have a side like that either. Let the love-in begin. Who knows where it’ll take you?

Passion Rating: ♥♥♥♥♥

Sagittarius

Venus and Mars are locking horns. On the one hand you’ll be flicking your nips with lust thanks to Veen. But Mars will be making you cautious and shy. God knows what this weird combo will lead to, Sagi.

Passion Rating: ♥♥♥♥

Capricorn

Surely you’re not all partied out? After a wild time, the Sun in Aries means you want to take things easier. Why not go clubbing in your nightie with a hot water bottle and a hot cocoa instead of poppers? That seems a reasonable compromise to us.

Passion Rating: ♥♥♥

Aquarius

Mars is making you aggressive whilst Venus in Aquarius is bringing out your romantic side. Just remember that giving someone a bunch of roses whilst snapping, ‘Here you fucking go, you gonk’ isn’t going to work.

Passion Rating: ♥♥♥♥

Pisces

The Libra supermoon is in your house of eroticism and seduction. Yes, you’ll be having a lovely time, but we can’t say we’re looking forward to you choosing a baguette in Tesco at lunchtime. You’ll probably get arrested.

Passion Rating: ♥♥♥♥

To Top