Stars

Aries

Mars is retrograde in Taurus this month. After a tense end to the summer you’ll finally be able to relax into the mellow days of autumn in every area of life. You won’t have unclenched in some time, so be careful not to let go so much that you follow through in public.

Passion Rating: ♥♥♥♥

Taurus

The New Moon is going to eclipse the Sun in Libra, which should bring a fresh start your way. If life has felt as stale as a trumpy old gym bag, your only option is to shake things up when Jupiter offers you new opportunities on every street corner. Wait, that sounds dodgy.

Passion Rating: ♥♥♥

 

Gemini

Mars in retrograde is demanding that you slow down and relax into autumn. This means not texting your tits off from the moment you open those gorgeous eyes of yours. Things are best enjoyed slowly, so lean in, chill out and screw working too hard.

Passion Rating: ♥♥

Cancer

Mars in Taurus means you’ll be playing the long game this month… and no that isn’t an innuendo, because we know you’ve been playing that game your whole life. Forget short term gain, and look forward to your ten year plan.

Passion Rating: ♥♥♥♥

Leo

It’s hard for you not to fight to be the most beautiful, sexy and talented person in the room, but Mars going retrograde means it’ll take teamwork for you to make the best gains in October. You’re a big cat, Leo, but think pride of lions, rather than solitary snow leopard.

Passion Rating: ♥♥♥♥♥

Virgo

You might lose your patience this month thanks to Mars going retrograde. What makes it worse is that Jupes will be waving lots of exciting goodies for you to be impatient over. Please don’t threaten to shove a BLT baguette where the sun don’t shine to everyone who gets in your way.

Passion Rating: ♥♥♥

Libra

Whilst everyone else is getting cosy as autumn arrives, you’ll be thinking of money, cash and gold as much as you usually think about boyz and their toys. Maybe money is as tight as your beautiful buns. Maybe not. Just don’t forget what really matters.

Passion Rating: ♥♥

Scorpio

Mars in Taurus might be bringing a bit of tension to your relationships this month. So, if you’re planning to text everyone, ‘You’re all slunts. F you’ then it’s a sign you need to step back. Will you really care about this in November? Knowing you, you will, you twisted bitch.

Passion Rating: ♥♥♥

Sagittarius

You’ll have a surge in popularity this month thanks to Jupiter. So stop casting your pearls before gonks who don’t even deserve to be insulted by you. If you like bad boys, try to put some energy into someone who gives you more than a headache.

Passion Rating: ♥♥♥♥

Capricorn

Lately Mars has made you lazy at most things in life, besides eating crisp crumbs from your belly button in front of the TV. But now it’s heading into retrograde you should be able to get your mission back on track. Don’t know your mission? It’s time to find out, babe.

Passion Rating: ♥♥♥

Aquarius

Jupiter and Mars in retrograde are both going to force you out of your normal routine. Maybe it’s time to get some autumn sunshine abroad, or try something –  or someone – completely new. It’s time to turn your life off and on again.

Passion Rating: ♥♥

Pisces

Mid-month you’ll be rescued from a sticky financial situation by the Full Moon in Aries. But, until then, sparks will fly, for better or worse, with someone new because of Jupiter. Just don’t steal his laptop on the first night to pay off your overdraft.

Passion Rating: ♥♥♥♥

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