Stars

Aries

Take a break from being a bitter old bitch this month. You’re feeling positive and ready to start a big project after the 16th. Oh, and since Easter is almost here, you and the Easter bunny will be going at it like rabbits, but that goes without saying.

Passion Rating: ♥♥♥♥

Taurus

We’d tell you to keep your gob shut this month because you might say something you’ll regret. But since you’ll be tea bagging yourself with Easter eggs for most of the month your mouth will be full anyway. Leave big announcements until after the Full Moon on the 20th.

Passion Rating: ♥♥♥

 

Gemini

The first half of the month will be super busy, and that doesn’t even account for scrabbling around for bog roll in the supermarket. Spring is here, but do take it easy on the chocolate because you’ll be wanting to get your tits out on the beach before long.

Passion Rating: ♥♥♥♥

Cancer

This month keep an eye out online for potential romantic and business partners, as well as smart people who will make you look good. They’ll be out in abundance after the New Moon and you may need them because from what we’ve heard you’ve been a very, very bad boy.

Passion Rating: ♥♥♥

Leo

This month you need to be on your toes as much as you’re usually on your back, you filthy old slapper. Fresh demands will be put on you this Easter, but don’t lay an Easter egg. You’re a Leo, so you’ll rise to the occasion with your mane intact.

Passion Rating: ♥♥

Virgo

If your average nun is having more fun than you this month, maybe it’s time to start your own Easter parade. You’ve been hiding away for too long and your chart says you’re due a sex and romance reboot until the New Moon on the 22nd says it’s time to think about money.

Passion Rating: ♥♥♥♥♥

Libra

The planets are planning on a new partnership for you. You’ve got a window of opportunity until the 20th, so scrub up, shave your nips and look like someone who doesn’t spend their weekends eating iced buns and Googling ‘bums’.

Passion Rating: ♥♥

Scorpio

You’re so cheesed off with work you’re considering put an out of office reply on your work email saying ‘I’m over it. I’ll be working from home FOREVER’. The trouble is, the more effort you put in before the 20th, the more you’ll get back. That said, the effort doesn’t have to go into work. Finishing your Easter chocolate is an equally noble pursuit.

Passion Rating:

Sagittarius

This April your inner Sagi slag will be fully revealed. You’ll be writhing in love, lust and passion throughout Easter. Just don’t get carried away and sit on a chocolate egg in public or try and eat it whole like a python. There are standards to uphold, dear.

Passion Rating: ♥♥♥♥

Capricorn

Stick with your bestie this month and take time to look after your friends at Easter. You’ll get back all the love you give. Just don’t tire yourself out by giving too much. And forget going on any Easter egg hunts, unless the Easter bunny is 6 foot and only wearing rabbit’s ears.

Passion Rating: ♥♥♥

Aquarius

You’ve always fought for the underdog. Thankfully you won’t have to bother with that bollocks this month. Instead you’ll be as randy as a goat, so please don’t eat a creme egg on public transport or you’ll be at risk of getting 10 years to life for sexual indecency.

Passion Rating: ♥♥♥♥

Pisces

If you have a feeling in your waters, you might need to see a doctor, though this isn’t a good time. On the other hand, your instincts could be right. Listen to your gut this Easter. The Earth is passing through the tail of the Lyrids meteor shower soon, so luck is on your side.

Passion Rating: ♥♥♥

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