Too much sex, not enough sex, great sex, bad sex. When it comes down to it, sex can be whatever you want it to be. Daniel Warner asks if there’s room for improvement in our sex lives and is it really a case of one size fits all?
Sex, sex, sex – there, I’ve said it. Too often as gay men we are defined by it and even in this new, more liberal, all embracing culture, it’s the first thing many people think about when they think of two men enjoying more than just a platonic friendship.
It doesn’t matter if you’re good at it, great at it or even just a little bit not interested in it, there is always room for improvement. Like the saying goes, ‘Rome wasn’t built in a day’ and it was the Romans who invented man on man action, or was it the Greeks? I’m not entirely sure but I’ve seen a number of Italian and Greek men naked, so I really don’t care who came first, as long as we all come together.
Sex is the most fun thing you can do on the sofa, in the hall, on the kitchen table or anywhere else that the late, great George Michael told us it should be. George let us know that we should all go outside and have more fun than we could indoors, so in the New Year is there anything else we could try to put that little extra bit of spice into our sex lives? When great sex drops off into bad sex quicker than you can drop your jeans, maybe it’s time to throw your inhibitions and your underwear out of the window.
I know when it comes down to getting naked we all have a favourite position but you can’t keep doing the same thing over and over again (unless it’s your husband) and going through the motions and not enjoying the process is not going to fulfil you in anyway. It’s really not a good idea to just phone in a performance when you’re both butt naked, unless you’re into phone sex and in that case put your finger on your button and just dial away.
If things aren’t as exciting as they once were how about trying a fetish? I’m not sure where a kink ends and a fetish begins but if you’ve always fantasised about wearing leather, rubber, a uniform or sports gear then maybe it’s time to try on a new outfit and then let someone help you get out of it.
We all have a fantasy, and sometimes it’s the most simple of things, underwear, socks, jocks, gas masks (maybe not everything is so simple after all) so my advice is to start with something easily accessible and then add something a little more specialised into your sex life.
Dressing up and then undressing each other for sex could be the most fun you could have outside of trying on clothes in a Top Man changing room.
Now, on to top men. Top, bottom, versatile, we can all pick a role and stick to it or we could try something that takes us out of our comfort zone and into someone else’s. If you’re versatile then you already have the best of both worlds but if you feel like you’re stuck in a rut (or a butt) or tired of the work it takes to be a bottom guy then switching sides could be the the way to unleash your inner beast and begin to enjoy sex again.
The common perception is that top men just have to show up and that most bottoms are lazy, both are wrong. It takes a lot of preparation to be a bottom and it can be a lot of hard work being a top, although a little hard work never hurt anybody, especially in the bedroom.
I know it’s hard to swap roles, especially if it’s something you’ve been doing for years, but think of it as swapping seats in a cinema or giving up your seat on a bus, sometimes giving up your seat to someone who needs it more is the kindest thing you can do.
For some of us, just one partner is not enough. Sharing your life and your bed with the same person day in and day out can end up being monotonous and boring but if you really love that person what can you do?
A lot of gay couples embrace the idea of an open relationship. The sex they have with other people doesn’t affect the love they have for each other, but it’s something that needs to be negotiated carefully. If you’re open minded enough to try something or someone new, then you need to let your significant other know first. What’s the point of keeping a dirty little secret when that secret can be shared by two?
As gay men we all have the opportunity to free ourselves from the shackles of sexual expectations and to try something new. We all need to remember that gay sex is good sex that can lead on to great sex and how you choose to explore and enjoy it is really up to you.
In 2020 if you find the sex that you’re having is not the sex you’re enjoying then it’s time to grab the bull by the horns, or the collar and harness, and ride it well into the New Year.