A Christmas message from the DE Experience

The DE Experience is back at her spiritual home of the Royal Vauxhall Tavern this Sunday with a special festive show for her hundreds of misguided followers. Here she delivers her anal speech – sorry, annual speech – to her dearly-loved loyal subjects.

Hello, to all the gorgeous people of Boyzland.

It’s that time of year when we look back at what’s behind us and pray that what’s in front of us when we open our eyes is as fulfilling! 😉

Many years ago, when I was just a child growing up in a small fishing village outside Melbourne called Worcestershire, my dear Mum took me to a Christmas fayre. It had a market where beautifully crafted chocolates and candies and treats of all sorts were sold, and I ate my own body weight in exotic foods, only to vomit violently on the bus home – a lesson learnt – too much of anything is never a good idea! I must try and remember that when I’m on stage (Friday – Village, Birmingham and Sunday – RVT), where I’m inclined to gorge on the applause like Lola on vodka and soak luxuriously in the melted chocolate bath that is the love of an audience. 2017 has been a veritable buffet of brilliant gigs, to which I have repeatedly returned to restock the paper plate of my soul with juicy slices of adoration, sweet connections, beautiful music and, above all, large helpings of the very best of friendships. I think it’s only right to pay tribute to my partner in cabaret crime, the wonderfully talented and hilariously funny Simon Le Vans (hang on… isn’t it really Simon L Evans?), and the teams who run the Two Brewers and, of course, that unique and stunning community cornerstone of camp, the Royal Vauxhall Tavern. Playing the RVT is akin to having group sex outside New Scotland Yard – it’s always fun, it may well get out of hand and you’re guaranteed to pull a crowd!

To return to that childhood Christmas fayre, the highlight was when an elderly man’s monkey that sat on my shoulder and robbed my candy floss. He was cute in an annoying, scary kind of way, sweet and a silly type of feisty, but actually rather aggressive when denied anything he grabbed – the monkey, I mean. I was at once fascinated and terrified by his leaping, squeaking, biting antics. I’ve never seen that monkey since that time until this year when, having been reincarnated, he took office in the White House. And since then, I and the rest of the world, have sat open mouthed, fascinated and terrified at his leaping, squeaking, biting antics as day by day, tweet by tweet he has laid waste to the achievements and the beautiful, quiet, professional dignity of his predecessor. “You couldn’t write it”, I often hear in conversations where ‘HE’ is mentioned – but someone somewhere must have…! And now, almost a year into this farce of a presidency, contemplating how this ‘real life low end fiction’ will turn out is more terrifying than any Stephen King I’ve read. I’ve tried to console myself with a look back to our own shores, only to discover that socio-political chaos reigns here too. For years I thought ‘xenophobia’ was spelled with a ZEN and that it meant fear of meditation. How wrong could I have been?

I now have to settle for the comforting knowledge that Debbie McGee can still part her legs wider than I can – a skill I’m fast losing, unless, of course, I’m being thrown to the ground by a tall Italian, upon which I seem to rediscover my youthful flexibility! Debbie, you have floored the competition and proven you are so much more than an annoying magician’s assistant. Long may you shine, darling!

This year, I finally succumbed and absorbed a few moments of some of the television shows that have become outright national obsessions. Gogglebox is entertaining in a limited way – like marzipan or femidoms – but I do think a gay remake would be perfect where couples are filmed watching pornographic films. No? Masterchef also has me glued, if only to see if Monica Galetti has learned to make different shapes with her face yet. She always looks like she’s sucking a lime. Whyyyyyy?

In a year when looking outside the doors of venues filled with happy, thronging lovelies has been a disturbing reality check, it’s been a great one too. Love, belonging and strength continue to be needed AND FOUND. Let’s not drop that particular ball, eh? I love you. Merry Christmas and a thrilling New Year! Edna XxX

The Royal Vauxhall Tavern, 372 Kennington Lane, London, SE11 5HY.

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